It’s been raining all day here in Florida, and I’m sitting in an outpatient waiting room for more bloodwork. I’ve lost count of the blood draws over the last couple of weeks to keep track of my hcg levels. Two weeks ago today, at 6 weeks pregnant, I fainted and had cramping which earned me a trip to the ER. There I found out my hcg levels were very low and I would miscarry again. The doctor has been monitoring my hormone levels ever since. I got a call yesterday at the pool that they levels went up slightly, which means that the miscarriage I had last weekend is not complete. This rise in hormones also gives the doctor very valid concerns about a possible ectopic pregnancy. Which poses some serious health risks for me. As of now, all we have are the hormone levels to give us any information on what’s going on. We do know that it is not a healthy, viable pregnancy. As of now, all we can do is wait to get home for another ultrasound and watch for emergency symptoms until then.
I’ve been telling myself, “You’ll be fine. You’ve been through this before.” As this officially makes my 4th pregnancy loss. But this time is obviously different. I haven’t been through this before! This roller coaster ride definitely has more loops and twists and turns than the others… and I’m probably not even tall enough to ride this ride! But I am strong enough. Strong as a Mother actually.
I’m the strong women who listened to my instincts that I could stay pregnant and kept trying after multiple miscarriages. I’m the strong woman that endured days upon days of migraines without painkillers during my second trimester with Lillian. I’m the strong woman that went almost all the way through labor without the epidural. (At 9cm I finally gave in.) I’m the strong woman that heard the doctor mention c-section and said let’s push a few more times. I’m the strong woman who had a 9 pound baby via vaginal delivery. I’m the strong woman who pushed through the burning nipples and hours of pumping to give Lily that liquid gold. I’m the strong woman that shows up everyday for my daughter as a stay at home mama even when the efforts and isolation are exhausting. Strong as a Mother.
….And now, I’m the strong woman that is getting poked and prodded every other day. Now I’m the strong woman who’s rolled with this pregnancy loss affecting not one, but TWO trips I planned. Now I’m the strong woman trying to stay present and fight against the anxiety and worry that’s almost overwhelming at times. Now I’m the strong woman who is trying to practice gratitude and stay present with my daughter, my amazing mini me. Now I’m the strong woman being supported by an strong man and amazing father. Now I’m the strong woman crying in the waiting room as I type this with no shame about feeling my feels. Now I’m the strong woman who’s struggling through a rough pregnant loss and sharing her story.
Strong as a Mother. I never truly understood this until I was at home in the thick of motherhood. When you have to find those corners and crevices of yourself to draw strength from in so many scenarios. I’m sure also many more to come I’m still ignorant to, like adolescent and teen years. Motherhood is an endless, selfless and kind of a thankless job. The hardest job. The most important job. The more I share, the more women share their stories with me, and the more I understand how truly strong some mothers are. Thank you to my mom, your mom, and all the moms out there making their way and doing their best for their kids.
Thank you to all the wonderful women and positive people that have taken the time to read my post, send a message and show their support while I’m in the midst of miscarriage. Y’all can really make a lady feel loved, and strong as a mother!